I did get myself up a couple times, but ended up back in bed... curled up. The last time dragged my body out of bed, put clothes on and went into the living room. I opened the front door since I kinda remembered someone knocking on it so I thought maybe the remaining wedding invitations had come. It wasn't them. Instead, there was a package from the library.
A couple weeks ago, I was getting dressed for church and listening to Pandora. A song called Oceans by Hillsong came on and I immediately liked it. Especially, the vamp at the end:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my savior
So I found it at the library and requested home delivery. Based on my account, I wasn't expecting it until tomorrow. So today, when I saw it, I put it on straight away. Thinking this will help me feel better. But the vamp was not the reason I got the CD today. This was...
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
An ocean is what I have always described my depression as. A deep dark ocean. With threatening waves. Unknown depths.
Sometimes I'm on the shore, just inside the water... maybe up to my knees. I can still see the shore. My feet are still on the ground. I'm deep enough for the strength of the waves to move me, but not knock me down. If something shakes me, I can still get out.
But there are other times that I feel like Peter, out in the middle of dark water and the waves are huge and there is no way I can possibly swim. And I start to sink.
When I first started sinking, my friend Ricardo told me to go outside and hold my hand up for God to grab me. It was weird, but worked. A lot. I still do it... 8 years later.
I will call upon Your name // Keep my eyes above the waves // When oceans rise
When I feel myself in the middle of the vastness of my oceans I feel so small. Infinitely small. Like dust. Like one good strong wave could dissolve me. Treading water is hard. My limbs are tired. My lungs burn. And all I can do is whisper...