Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I Am Here

Self portrait at lake apopka

Last month I had the opportunity to walk around downtown Winter Garden before all the businesses opened and all the hubub began.  It was quiet and peaceful as everything was slowly waking up.  The sun had just risen and I was walking through a picturesque community towards the lake.  The trees filtered the morning sun is such a way that you can't help but see everything as beautiful. 

All at once, I had a strange realization.  I said to myself, "I am here."

It was an odd moment... in the way that deja vu is odd... feeling like you've done a thing before.  But this was the opposite.  It was a keen and clear understanding that I was physically present in that exact moment in time.  Have you ever felt like that?

I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time.  The sky, the trees, the lake.  I remembered past times when I was in the midst of depression and had to remind myself to see the beauty in these things.  And here I was.  Walking down a random Florida sidewalk.  Experiencing my life.  This was my life... is my life.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that living is good.  Especially when I hit a particularly bad downswing and I know the fight out will be hard.  In times like that I find myself just trying to keep my head above the waves... you know?  Just don't drown.  The walk to the lake that day gave me a memory to hold on to and occasionally I think about it.  It brings me a peaceful feeling.  I am here.  I am alive.  At times, life gets monstrous and terrible things happen to people I love, but we are still here.

It reminds me there is always hope that the blue skies will come back.  And we'll feel the sun again.

I can honestly say that this isn't quite where I saw this blog post going.  But hey, that's the beauty of writing.  Sometimes the words take over.  The last month or so has been rough for me.  Everything was out of place.  My emotions.  My sleeping.  I felt like I wasn't... here... Like not connected to this world.  Floating just above the surface.  Thankfully, I think I'm coming out of it now.  I feel more positive and I'm hoping it stays around for a while.

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