Monday, June 1, 2015

Please Pray Either Way: A How I'm Feeling Post

I'm writing this right now as an attempt to dodge the melancholy that's trying to settle on me.  The first of the month seems to be a pretty reliable source of anxiety for me seeing that it's when bills are due making it the day I'm most likely to get stuck in a money driven pit of despair. I bet that sounds really exaggerated, but it's how I actually feel.

This morning I started thinking about student loans and how I really want to be able to pay them like a good grown up.  So I decided that I'm going to make the commitment to only spend money on absolutely necessary things... well after I pay Sallie I won't have much of a choice... heh *shrug*

So that thought was my first slip down the "rabbit hole" per-say.  It then linked to the ever-recurring thought pattern of slowly picking apart everything about myself.  My desire to make things and spend money on craft supplies... my need for a full-time job, but the fear I have that I'll never get one... and then the fear of rejection I've developed after so many seemingly good interviews fell through...  All the while I'm feeling myself slipping and losing grip on anything holding me up and all I can whisper through the din is
...God keep me calm...

Have you ever felt like that? Logically, I know that I'm not the only person who has these moments when things in life send them reeling and grasping at would be straws and twigs desperate not to get swept away.  But that doesn't stop me from feeling like I am.  Just in this boat alone.  Jesus calm this sea.  I'm really not that good of a swimmer...

I try to pull myself together with breathing techniques and self talk techniques and calm music and focus... I try gathering myself up but its like filling a cup with a slotted spoon... I keep sliding through.

So I'm writing this in an effort to dodge the melancholy that's crawling up my arms.  I'm at the point where I don't know if its better to let go an let it cover me or keep fighting.  Is this a one set of footprints moment?  Or is this walk on the water? *shrug*  Please pray for me either way.

2 comments:

  1. Dear friend, I have also had to live many things and I know how complicated it is what you are living right now. I know that stress is not easy to overcome and my words can even sound empty to you, but I want you to know that if you let yourself drown, it will be harder for you to succeed after. Cheer up, many of us love you and we care about you, you have us for whatever you want. Life never stops...

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    1. Thanks Guy. I really appreciate that :)

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