Every so often I find myself in a moment of struggle between chaos and control. I think "I have too many things on my to-do list to fall apart this early in the day" but at the same time I know that holding myself together is likely to take a while anyway. SO what makes more sense? Let go and let the anxiety/melancholy wash over and hopefully go on by... or buckle down for the eminent fight against it.
I have these mental debates quite a lot actually. And I don't know why I even entertain them because I always choose to fight. Or at least I choose to try to fight. Sometimes I lose, but I think the knowledge of how beastly that seemingly small melancholy can get is what keeps me fighting it off.
To be completely honest, I do wish that I could drop all the weapons and tricks I've learned over the years and let Mel have it's way. I always think in the back of my mind that that would be easier. Just like sitting in a cold bath... eventually you go numb to it... eventually it feels warm. There's something that seems SOOO comforting about that thought. Like it would do me good. But I know how Mel works. Eventually I wouldn't be able to get out. *shrug*
So, onward in this fight for control. Onward with the deep breathing and the meditation music. Onward with the prayers. Onward with the deliberate actions. Onward with forcing my head up. Onward with smiling. Onward with working. Onward with the fight.
I just had to get this out. If you read this, thanks.