Sunday, March 3, 2013

Poems and New Music (Thanks Shakti!)

So Shakti left a link to the song "Addict with a Pen" by Twenty One Pilots on my self-injury post and I really like it. There's a part that seriously compelled me to write. It goes:
"but you specialize in dying
you hear me screaming father
and I'm lying here just crying
so wash me with your water"

I put the song on repeat to see what it would channel out and this piece started coming.  Then I thought of a student I met at the last poetry show I was in (I did half of a poem about depression, but had a panic attack and didn't finish it- I'll share it soon).  He came up to me after the show and said that my piece touched him because he suffers from depression too and it's reassuring to know that he's not alone in it.  He gave me a hug and I wanted to cry.

Anyway, as I was writing tonight, he came to mind so I spoke to him.  When I finished the piece, I read it back and definitely cried.  I hope you can feel it.  And if you know anyone struggling, share this with them.

this isn't so much for me as it is for
sometimes you bleed to remember life
and recite common things
colors of trees
to make sure you haven't lost it
pass through each day
missed by everyone around
none to hear you
they don't see you
self inflicted slits gracing wrists and
thighs and
fleshy parts
never press deep enough though
burn just enough to feel the sizzle
drag blade teasingly to pull the blood to the surface
desperately trying to bring yourself back to

These are the lies it tells you:
NO ONE will understand
they'll think you're CRAZY
NO ONE cares
you're too BROKEN
but I've felt that - feel that
have heard those same lines
filled my nights with wailings
those heaving heavy tears
that come up from the base of your spine
called out to God so many times
only to find myself crumpled outside a church
palms to heaven
face to earth
willing God to come down and touch me
hold me
me- this speck of dust
awash in the expanse of the universe
"but you specialize in dying
you hear me screaming father
and I'm lying here just crying
so wash me with your water"

i had a vision once
i was standing on a cliff
my toes over the edge
and everything in my rational being said
it made perfect sense
so i did
hoping the earth would embrace me
sweetly kiss me swallow me
but instead
i landed
suspended above everything
my left hand traced a lifeline heartline
knees rested on callused skin of a carpenter's son
he caught me
as my right hand slipped through a ragged hole
he caught me
held me up as my sorrow slid through that same hole
he held me
kept me from killing myself too many nights
just so i could get up and say

you are not alone

Here's the song. Thanks again, Shakti, for sharing this with me. It felt good. :)
~Peace to you~


  1. yes! yes! yes!
    Love this!

    That's the part of the song that I find particularly powerful too. While, obviously, I love it now, I wish I'd heard it when I was younger. I felt like such a freak for finding it hard to grow up and figure out the world and feeling like I couldn't feel or find God. Couldn't find his water. But I've learned that faith can't be based on feeling. Faith has to equal knowledge.


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