Friday, November 1, 2013

Thankfulness: This Day is Done

Today I wanted to do a few specific things that I knew I shouldn't do like sedate myself with benadryl, burn my wrist, close my eyes while driving.  It's just kinda been one of those days, you know?  One of the kind where you want to get back in bed, close your eyes, roll around a couple times, and then get out... on the right side of bed.  But you can't because real life doesn't work that way.  And the reality of this day is, I was down.  Down days come and down days go, but you just gotta muscle thru them.

I think the worst part of today and my recent downswing has been that I've put so much guilt on myself.  Saying things like,
"Oh Caleisha, you don't have a right to feel down or sad because nothing has happened to you.  You have close friends who have lost family members in the last week. What have you lost? Nothing. You haven't even lost a ball of yarn. You have a job. You enjoy your job. You have a loving fiance. You have a loving family. You have your health.
You don't have the right to feel down and depressed."  
This is my self talk in my head.  And that's not good. That's just like someone telling you, "Oh you're having a down day? You're feeling depressed? Just stop feeling depressed.  There are worse things in the world."

That doesn't really help. That's not constructive. I know there are worse things in the world, but right now in my head, I can't help but feel this way.  If there was some switch I could flip and feel better, I totally would.  Being down SUCKS... I don't want to wallow in it. I'm not choosing to feel this way.  It's just out of my control and that's how my life is sometimes.

I think that what makes depression hard is that everyone doesn't understand it.  I mean, you can say to somebody I'm crying because I stubbed my toe and they understand that pain.  Or I'm sad because I miss my family.  People get that.  But with depression or depressed feelings there's not necessarily a reason.

I just am... and people don't understand 'I just am.' 

People want to know what happened or why you're sad.  It's like they want to be able to concretly place you on a graph of emotions and reactions so they can understand the headspace you're in.  But 'I just am' doesn't plot well on this coordinate plane of existence... it really doesnt...

So I end up just lying for the most part... "I'm fine." But I know, and the person I'm talking to knows that I'm not, but I'm going to continue doing my job even if I feel like drugging myself or hiding in the bathroom and crying.  Being a grown up doesn't really leave room for many breakdowns. 

It's just been a rough day.  But at the end of this day, I'm thankful that I have a boss that sympathizes with my ups and downs.  I'm thankful that I got thru the day with no panic attacks or serious anxiety issues.  I'm thankful that my last 2 appointments of the day didn't show up.  I'm thankful the day is over.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better. If not and it's another day like today, I'll do my best to get through it.



While I was typing this, Lamar was sleeping on the sofa next to me.  He left the tv on the Arsenio show and the preachers from the Preachers of LA reality show were on.  They had a preach off and were to do 30 second sermons titled 'Life is Not a Reality Show.'  I stopped to listen and Deitrick Haddon spoke about life being reality but not a show.  Whatever things we are going through, God is powerful enough to carry us through.  He quoted Ephesians 3:20-21 and I cried.
Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen
I'm asking God to give me peace through this downswing.  He is able to exceedingly abundantly above that.  Thank you God for carrying me through.


  1. Proud of you, girl. Glad you can identify the negative self-talk and at least say, "Well! I know that isn't helpful." One day at a time, boo.


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